Top 10 Lessons in 20 Years
Nov 04, 2020
TOP 10 LESSONS IN LAST 20 YEARS
Tomorrow I turn 40. And for anyone who asks if I’m emotional about it, I tell them I’m excited! Here’s why ....
The easiest way for me to explain the life I’ve lived this far is that my 20’s were a learning decade and my 30’s were a growth decade sooo I can’t wait to see what my 40’s have in store for me. All that I have experienced and lived through has set me up to enjoy another decade of life. I spent some time reflecting and there have been many lessons in the last 20 years. So today, I want to give you my top 10.
As I said, my twenties were a decade of learning. Learning about myself as an independent person, learning about who I was in general while exploring life on MY terms. From 20 -29, I lived through college, my first apartment (of many), my first heartbreak, many many parties, lots of drinking and smoking, debt multiple times and several dysfunctional relationships. But one of the things I appreciated most about my twenties was the friendships I had. I have to admit my twenties were a ride for sure. And as I sit here recording this episode, I’m very lucky to be alive and living the life I have today.
My thirties ... started off in a place of disappointment. I thought turning 30 that I would have been married and had found everlasting love and possibly a kid or two. Yet I found myself so far off from that. I was living with my brother trying to get back on my feet. Starting my thirties this way pushed me to learn, expand and grow in ways I definitely wasn’t able to process at that time. It was the first time in my life where I knew I needed to help myself instead of trying to help everyone else. I took time to learn what I didn’t want, but more importantly what I did want from life. I moved back to my hometown, bought a house, got married, became a mom of two, a podcaster and an entrepreneur. Age 30 to today was a decade of internal work.
Are ya ready for some of my greatest take-aways?
Here we go!
Lesson #01. Don’t suffocate your feelings and tell those around you how you feel about them.
Recently, with the tragic loss of my uncle who died in a car accident, I’ve been talking about this a lot lately. The last doesn’t come with a warning. If we knew it would be the last hug, or the last kiss, or the last “see ya later” - oh how our conversations would be soooo different.
I don’t say this to scare you and we can’t possibly live in fear of the last time but take it as an opportunity to tell the ones you love, you love them. Tell your parents, friends and kids what you love about them. The impact they have on your life.
Don’t wait until your grieving to reminisce about the happy times or how important that person was to you. Speak those truths with reckless abandon.
And don’t suffocate your feelings. If you’re sad, feel sad. Don’t pretend you’re not. If you’re angry, be angry. Happy, be happy. We feel these emotions for a reason. And it’s our responsibility to feel them, embrace them and move through them.
Lesson #02. All the wrong guys will teach you the perfect lessons.
This is probably the biggest growth lesson I got from my twenties. I can be very stubborn and so if I liked a guy, it didn’t matter what anyone said. I always believed that my heart would lead the way. With that said, I dated all the wrong guys who taught me all the right lessons.
Boyfriend #1 in my twenties was sadly addicted to drugs. What an eye-opening relationship to live through. But it taught me that you cannot love someone into change. Love is not enough, they have to be willing to take ownership of their life and if they want to change, they will.
Boyfriend #2 was a successful breath of fresh air. I felt loved and accepted and supported until I realized that the story I was being told was also being told to other women. This relationship taught me that love is out there but he wasn’t my person.
Boyfriend #3 would reinforce both lessons I’ve already described (because obviously one run through wasn’t enough for me) but this relationship also taught me what I’m willing to accept and not accept in my life. This relationship was toxic. It was mixed with lots of love and lots of abuse. It helped me to see that I’m worth so much more than I ever gave myself credit for. It was the relationship that drove me into self development because I was tired of the cycle of relationships not working as I thought they would.
So while this decade brought lots of heartache and defending of my boyfriend choices and of myself, I learned more than I ever expected and for that I’m grateful.
All the wrong guys led me to the perfect one for me … my husband!
Lesson #03. Friends you thought you’d have forever, sometimes are only for a season.
This lesson is the one that hurts my heart the most. And to not talk about it, would be doing myself and anyone else who needs this lesson a disservice. I have never been shy about my love for people. I love heart to hearts - really deep conversations. And when I know someone on that kind of level, I can’t imagine that person not in my life.
I have had the bestest of friends in my life. Grade school friends, college friends and workplace friends. Thinking about lost contact with them makes me sad. In fact, it bothers me on a subconscious level so much that I dream about these people.
It seems as though we age and life takes us on different paths. Those people were in our lives for a season. They served their purpose for what we needed them for, just as you or I did the same for them. And I’m learning that lost contact doesn’t have to mean lost forever. I have a few friends from college that I send “thinking of you and miss you” texts to them even though they probably don’t know me as the person I am today or vice versa.
People change. People grow. And some people stay the same. If you find yourself in a position that life is pulling you from what you know, don’t resist. There is a lesson in it, even if it feels hard. With all honesty, I still struggle with this lesson but remind myself I’m just where I’m meant to be - for today! Learn to appreciate the purpose.
Lesson #04. Your life will surprise you in the most magical ways, if you allow it to.
Growing up I had some pets but nothing longterm. When I was 25, my roommate and I rescued two kittens that were listed on Craigslist. I picked out the softest blue-eyed black furball. I wanted to take all the kittens but he was the one that I felt pulled to and I would later name him Diezel and call him Diez.
For anyone that knows me, he was my world and lived through much of the craziness with me. He came into my life during a time I desperately needed love. I was living away from home and he was the comfort I needed after a failed relationship.
I have always said, he loved me more than anyone because there was never a moment that he wasn’t by my side, sitting on my lap or snuggled up to my face. His love for me was unconditional in the purest sense. I never felt love for anything like I did for him.
He would wait for me at the door to walk-in. He was always my go-to every morning and night. He would comfort me during my saddest times. He was such a love. I never imagined the joy, love and comfort he would bring me. It was so magical in my heart.
John, my husband would always say he was next in line after Diez. From the start of getting him, I dreaded the days I would have to live without him. He truly lived his 9 lives. I think of him every day and in April it will be three years he has been gone.
I am willing to bet there has been something magical in your life that surprised you too.
Lesson #05. Don’t be afraid of change.
Change can feel really hard. But I learned that change can also be very good. It means you’re not settling. It means you want more. And those are always good things to seek. For me, I experienced quite a bit of change in my twenties because I moved a lot (7 times) so that came with learning new areas, new living space, lots of newness and out of all that came my love of changing around furniture in my rooms. I had different boyfriends, jobs and went from having roommates to living alone.
Change can feel scary. It brings a lot of uncertainty and unknowns. But without change there is no growth. And Tony Robbins always says, if you’re not growing you’re dying.
I’ve learned to allow change to feel refreshing and renewing. Something different can breathe new life into us. Resisting the change is harder than embracing it.
Lesson #06. You can want more for yourself than what society tells you.
We grow up and it seems our path is already mapped out for us from a young age. It looks kinda like this … go to school, graduate high school, go to college, get a job, climb the corporate ladder.
The problem is - who the heck knows what they want to be at 18? I wanted to be a dentist, got a degree in Computer Science, masters in Healthcare and find myself loving entrepreneurship.
It wasn’t until I joined a multilevel marketing company (which I no longer do), I never thought that I could pursue a different path than what I described. Society has an evil way of making you believe you must conform and not stand out. If this feels like you, I’m giving you permission to explore a new path. Trying selling what you know. We have entered the Information Ages where people will pay you for what you know. If you’re passion about something and feel like you can offer a better way for someone, don’t you dare hide yourself.
Life is so much greater than a job you hate for a steady pay check.
Lesson #07. We all struggle. Our obstacles are not our own.
Everyone struggles. Nobody is absent from this. Oftentimes we tend to isolate and feel as if we are the only one. I can confidently say we are NEVER alone. I’ve struggled in many ways the last two decades and I’ve also learned that others were either going through something similar or already made it through it.
Which leads me to my next lesson.
Lesson #08. Vulnerability = connection.
When we allow ourselves to be vulnerable we allow the deepest form of connection to happen. Being vulnerable means you are opening yourself up for judgement or attack. But what the definition fails to state is that you’re also setting yourself up for healing when you’re vulnerable.
When I opened up about being in an abusive relationship, it freed my soul from that heaviness of holding it in. When I opened up about my struggles with body image, I connected with the most amazing people who were struggling just the same. And when I spoke out about my miscarriages and how alone and isolating it felt, so many brave women shared about theirs for the first time.
Vulnerability will free you and connect you in ways you just can’t process until you do it. Don’t ever for one second believe your struggle is your own. We all struggle. But if you allow yourself to open up to at least one person who deserves your time, your life can change.
Lesson #09. Mindset is everything.
In this last year, I have learned just how important mindset is. Mindset is the way you see yourself and how you perceive the life you’re living. Your mind is a muscle. If you don’t exercise it, feed it properly and nourish it - it will stay weakened.
From the words you attach to experiences, to what you focus on, right down to the choices you make - it all impacts the life you’re living today.
I could talk about this topic for hours. But for the sake of this lesson, I’ll give you an example in how powerful our mindset is.
What you THINK determines how you feel.
What you FEEL determines how you behave.
How you BEHAVE determines the life you live.
Let’s apply that to real life.
If I THINK my kids never listen.
Then I FEEL frustrated.
So I BEHAVE by yelling to control the situation.
And if that is my pattern then I LIVE a life of not feeling like a good enough parent.
One more in case you’re listening and maybe aren’t a parent.
I THINK I’m not good enough to be an entrepreneur.
It makes me FEEL like people will judge me for wanting to try.
So I BEHAVE by not taking action /pursuing an interest.
And then I LIVE the same old life that doesn’t feel fulfilling.
Lesson #10. I have more to learn. Find a mentor. Be coachable.
I will never stop being a student. There is always room to grow. There is always someone to learn from. And as long as I remain coachable, I will always keep progressing.
If you are feeling like life has you stuck. It just means you don’t know how to move forward. There is always someone who is a couple steps ahead of you, where you want to go or be. Reach out to them. Ask questions. Get curious. Learn. Invest in yourself. You won't regret it.
There you have it. My top 10 lessons. I’m ready for ya 40!