Sum of Experiences

 

You are the sum of your experiences but that doesn’t have to be your compass in where you’re going.

 

Up until this point in your life, in my life, what we’ve experienced has shaped who we are. This can be for good or bad. Experiences create belief systems in us. They mold who we believe we are and what the world is like that we live in. Often times we don’t even realize all the little things that ping our soul that are accumulating over time to be the big things.

 

So today I want to give you two experiences from my life, that changed how I think and what I believed at the time but also how my belief system has transformed. My hope is that you’ll look into your life and see how at least one event has impacted you. Use it as a source of inspiration to see how far you’ve come or motivation to keep pushing for more.

 

While there are countless experiences that have shaped me from childhood until now, I want to talk about two major pivotal moments in my life that shifted who I am.

 

1. Being in and leaving an abusive relationship - finding self worth
2. The process of and becoming a Mom - power in unconditional love

This is going to sound odd to some but I'm going to say it anyway. Being in an abusive relationship was probably the greatest learning experience of my life. It challenged me every minute of my life. I questioned every thing - from why am I in this relationship to how do I show him I really do love him to how do I get  the F out? I even found myself thinking that being dead would be easier than living the life I was living. 

 

There were some good times which is what I hung onto. I'm the kind of person who loves with every ounce of me and I am not afraid to show it. But this relationship challenged my love, my honesty, my authenticity and my character.

 

I believed that no one would love me like he did.
I believed that because that's what he told me over and over again.

 

I believe that I could help him see my love for him.

I believed that because there were moments he felt remorseful.

 

I believed that this would be my life because to leave would feel harder.

I believed that because I didn't want him to think he was right about me.

 

I believed that I was not deserving of more than what I was getting.

I believed that because people warned me about him yet I didn't listen.

 

I believed that I could help him change.

I believed that so I stayed.

 

Because of these beliefs I had, it shaped my actions and my behavior.

 

I loved him even when he didn't deserve my life for the way he treated me. I thought more love would be the answer to him seeing how genuine I was.

 

I stayed even though I knew leaving was safer for me. I thought that if I stayed, he would see that I was exactly who I said I was and not the picture he had painted of me.

 

I was invested even though I was mentally checked out months before leaving.

Can you see how what we believe shapes how we behave and who we become?

 

But these beliefs did not dictate where I was going. I finally made the choice that leaving was in my best interest. It became more about me, not him. And for the first time in my life, I felt more empowered than I ever have. Leaving was me taking my power back.

 

This experience forced me to learn self worth through a lot of pain and sadness. And when I think about where I have been and where I am now, this was a huge period of growth for me.

 

I'm proud of myself for staying true to who I was.

I'm proud that I was brave enough to leave.

I'm proud of myself for "starting over" at 30 yrs old.

I'm proud that I took the time for myself to figure out what I wanted in life.

 

Really, I could talk about this experience in depth but I'm sure you get the gist of it.

 

Motherhood is another great example for me.

 

At one time I believed that I would never get the chance to hold my baby because I was not able to keep a baby alive inside of me. I seemed to be prone to chronic miscarriages. This belief caused me to doubt my body, my ability to carry a full term baby and whether or not I would be the let down to my marriage since we both wanted kids.

 

I also believed that I was meant to be a mom and this belief kept me trying even when the rain was pouring and sometimes hailing. I still pushed forward with trying. This belief is what got me to being a mom of Nyla and Natalie.

 

Once I became a Mom - woah! My belief system was flipped upside down. I was now responsible for another tiny human. I had to believe that I was capable of keeping this baby alive and safe.

 

But I also questioned whether or not I was doing the right thing. Was I making enough breastmilk to feed my baby? Was my baby eating the right foods? Am I allowing my kids to eat too much sugar? Too much iPad time? And the list goes on. 

 

I also created a belief that I needed to "get my body back" which at the time felt really hard. Because of this belief I never gave myself much grace when it came to growing a child for 10 months and then expecting my body to be what it was. Saying it out loud just seems so foolish yet we buy the belief from society that we need to get our body back to what it was. 

 

I now know that this belief can be very harmful. Our main priority after having a baby is NOT our body, it's caring for a baby. Of course, taking care of ourselves is important but focusing on shrinking a body that just expanded to grow another life seems unrealistic. But I didn't know that at the time and so I allowed that belief to dictate my actions of exercise and the foods I consumed.

 

I'm sure by now you see the picture I'm trying to paint for you. We are what we believe. But we can become whatever we want. 

 

Here’s the take away of this episode: we are the sum of all these events and experiences that happen to us but that doesn’t have to dictate where we are going. We get to be in charge of our lives. We get to do the work to change the things we don’t like and get better. We get to say NO I’m not this and won’t believe it. We are the drivers of our life and when we recognize that, it’s the moment that life changes.