The Unspoken Toil

[previously written on May 29, 2015]

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I am blessed. I am grateful. I am excited. I am nervous. I am anxious. I am free. I am pregnant.

I wasn’t sure that I would ever be comfortable writing about this topic for others to read. It’s natural to never want others to know the toil we go through but when we release it out to the universe it becomes the most uplifting, pressure relieving feeling in the world. So here is my story…

One very early morning in July 2012, I quietly awakened John to whisper we were pregnant! I was so excited to tell him that I just couldn’t bear going through the whole day keeping such a secret. I knew I had to leave for work so I woke him. I can remember his face to this day – shocked, excited, and confused (as if he didn’t hear me correctly) all within a matter of seconds. It was a surprise to say the least. We would keep saying to each other, “holy crap – we are going to be parents!” Each day that went by the excitement grew as we planned our future as parents. In the meantime, we were already set to move to another apartment. Thankfully it was bigger than the one bedroom we were living in. We packed all of our things and headed into the next chapter of our life that was going to be filled with so much joy… or so we thought.

Only days after being settled in our new place, I started spotting. Talk about instant panic. I hopped online only to read the worst but also see that it can be very common. I tried to keep a positive outlook but immediately calling my doctor’s office. An ultrasound was ordered. I arrived with a full bladder which was an experience in itself. John and I anxiously anticipated the tech turning the screen so that we could see our baby was ok. Nothing. I could sense she was searching and the silence was unbearable. I had to ask. The tech informed me that she could not discuss anything with us but that we could have a seat in the waiting room and the physician would be in touch with me to discuss my results. I knew it wasn’t good. John, being the wonderful man that he is, tried to encourage me that everything could be alright. I just had a feeling and I couldn’t shake it.

Moments later sitting in the waiting room I was called up to the reception desk to speak with the physician on call. It was the dreadful news that I was hoping not to hear… “your pregnancy is ectopic. The pregnancy has formed in your fallopian tubes putting you at a high risk. We will need to terminate this pregnancy before it progresses any further.” My heart sank as everything I had been so excited to share was no longer. The recovery from this pregnancy was more emotional than I could have ever imagined. One moment we were excited to be parents and the next moment it was so suddenly taken from us. Talk about an emotional rollercoaster. It wouldn’t be for almost another year later that we, or I felt prepared to be pregnant again.

Just as life does, it moves on. We carried on with our day to day stuff. Our relationship grew stronger. If you know John and me, we move a lot. We both have moved more times than we’d like to admit. In November 2013, John was notified that he would be relocated for work and fortunately back to our home town area. Our excitement levels rose once again to learn we could live back at home closer to family and with our new baby… I was pregnant again! Just as we did last time around, we packed our things and headed into our next chapter with lots of love and hope.

Moving day had arrived and low and behold I woke up to spotting :( It was the one thing I would obsess over every time I went to the bathroom. Check for blood. It made my heart so heavy to tell John. I never wanted to disappoint him… not that I had any control over the situation but if you love someone I’m sure you can understand what I mean. I knew it would take him back to the last experience just as it did me. I prayed that it was not ectopic. I feared the process I would have to go through again. The toll it would take on my body. I quietly let John know what was going on and in the meantime kept all of this a secret from the rest of the world.

This is when the tailspin of “what’s wrong with me” began. First an ectopic and now a miscarriage. Because this topic is so much avoided and very sensitive many people do not understand the commonality of miscarriages. I decided to change my mindset into believing that now was not our time. Having a child was not meant to be during this time in our lives. I had to find the silver lining as difficult as it was. I desperately needed to believe that the universe would work its magic and when the time was right, it would happen. So I picked myself up, created a healthy mindset and decided to stay positive with the process of having a child.

If you’ve never “tried” to have a child because you got pregnant right away, count yourself fortunate. The process of “trying” is like a full time job. It takes all the fun out of your intimate relationship. It becomes you working against the clock. I had no idea the short window of time you have to conceive. I created a morning ritual of taking my temperature and peeing on fertility strips to monitor my cycles. Each time my period came, it brought that “ugh feeling” that all our work was work with no reward! It wouldn’t be until November 2014 that I discovered I was pregnant for the third time! It was in an unusual manner as I took a pregnancy test, the results read negative even though I was late for my period. Four more days later, I couldn’t stand the suspense so I took another test and it was positive. This was going to be it. Third times a charm, right?

At this point, John and I had a hard time with feeling excited and wanting to hold out just to be sure. Of course, we were ecstatic to know we conceived but we didn’t want to feel that hurt as we did in the last two pregnancies. I don’t even know how to express to you without sounding like a broken record; spotting started, I went to the doctor, pregnancy test at the office showed negative, ultrasound did not show any sign of pregnancy and we were left with another miscarriage. One ectopic, two miscarriages! I’m not going to lie and tell you that it doesn’t mess with your mind. I couldn’t help but think, what is wrong with me? We are obviously able to conceive but why can’t my body hold onto the pregnancy? I was advised by the doctor to hold off for a couple months to let my cycle regulate and we would be in the clear to move forward again. To say I felt defeated would be an understatement. Thankfully I had John by my side for love, support, encouragement and to always keep the positive on the forefront.

You must be thinking to yourself, but she is pregnant now… well, yes I am! Early January 2015 I was late for my period again which I thought could have been related to the miscarriage. I waited and waited and nothing. Because I was already in the habit of taking my temperature I had noticed that it never dropped from an elevated temp which it’s supposed to do when your period is coming. So for the heck of it I took a pregnancy test. It was positive! We couldn’t believe it and were in complete shock! This wasn’t supposed to happen. I needed to let my body recover from the last miscarriage. And just as life would have it, I let doubt creep in. Every time I went to the bathroom I would look for spotting. It was an obsession that was very difficult to break. We had no idea how far along we were since I never had a period in between to use as the marker. I scheduled a doctor’s appointment to make sure everything was in the correct place and healthy.

At our appointment we discovered we were 6 weeks 2 days with a heartbeat and a baby just where he or she belongs. Such a relief to know 1) the pregnancy was not ectopic and 2) the baby had a heartbeat. We could breathe a sigh of relief but knew we were not out of the woods. As the pregnancy progressed, I was still obsessively checking for spotting at every bathroom break and the further along I got the more I knew this one was here to stay.

My hope for sharing my story is that if you’re going through a difficult time or “trying” to get pregnant, I hope you will not go at it alone! Don’t be afraid (like me) to tell others you’re “trying.” I can reassure you that it’s one of the most liberating feelings. The more I share my story I realize that what I went through is actually very common. Most people don’t know that though because we keep it hush hush. If you need a friend, please reach out to me. I’m here to listen and give you support, from one lady to another! My email is [email protected].

So as I said in the opening statement – I am blessed to be alive. I am grateful to be experiencing the miracle of life grow inside of me. I am excited to meet this little baby of ours. I am nervously dreading delivery. I am anxiously awaiting for John to feel a full on kick from the baby. I am freefrom checking my undies. I am pregnant with a healthy baby! Until next time, keep your head held high and your thoughts positive. xo

♥ Heather